10 Meaningful Statistics for
Lazy, Filthy Artists

Feng shui is old news—very mid-1990s (along with aloof lesbians). As artists of the New Millennium, we’re well-acquainted with clearing the house before emptying the soul. After cleaning up our act, we’ve gone on to suffer through some incredibly nasty roommates and lived to tell about it. With any luck, we’ve grown up. There should be no more excuses for being a lazy, filthy, immature artist, since in addition to having learned from past experience, you now probably live with a partner who’s whipped you into shape.

If you’re still a dirty, good-for-nothing, artistically inclined bum, it’s simply time to get a domestic clue. To this end, Cinemulatto has scientific, grant-funded evidence to support you no longer being a repulsive slob.

Here’s how long it takes to complete 10 common household tasks. You have time for all of these, you rotten, unclean sluggard.

  1. Changing an empty roll of toilet paper: 10 seconds
  2. Washing ten dishes: 5 minutes
  3. Taking out the trash: 4 minutes
  4. Doing something—anything—with leftover food: 2 minutes
  5. Wiping down one kitchen counter: 2 minutes
  6. Dusting one room: 5 minutes
  7. Disposing of bathtub hair: 30 seconds
  8. Wiping up a small puddle of water: 1.5 minutes
  9. Opening a window to air out a room: 4 seconds
  10. Making sure toenail clippings land in the trash: 0 seconds
Now go clean up, then make a movie or draw a picture or write a song/novel.