The end-of-year shopping sprees are officially among, above, and around us. It’s hard enough shopping for the ethnically unambiguous. The real challenge is finding the perfect gift for your mulatto friends. Suffer no more.
10 Holiday Gift Ideas for Your Mulatto Pal(s)
- Gift cards for hair product. Don’t get them the actual product, since mulatto hair is egregiously unruly and unpredictable. No Frizz has a half-life of about two months, and Frizz Ease is effective for a week. Present your pal with a gift card lifesaver, which will come in handy in the event of an f’ed-up, fuzz-infested water landing.
- A taser. This is for those off-white friends who insist on living in “real” neighborhoods but who think someone could grab their gun.
- Dental floss. Mulattoes have great teeth. Help keep it that way.
- A racially relevant DVD. The DVD shelf isn’t just brunch conversation material anymore. For mulattoes, the right DVDs are a sure sign of sociopolitical consciousness. Dig deep and choose something like The Black Power Mixtape or The Search for Robert Johnson.
- Boojie grab bag. If you can afford it this year, this includes such things as a spa treatment, tea service, or sushi. Your mulatto friend will be so impressed.
- Custom t-shirt: “I’m a Mulatto”. Think how grateful they’ll be to have a quick answer to the question, “What are you?” Pick a fun color to match their skin tone.
- A bullhorn. People often forget they’re in mulatto company. This is a great way of letting your pal say “I’m here.”
- SPF 1 suntan lotion. Because mulattoes can burn.
- Fine literature or music. Mulattoes tend to be well-read music appreciators. This keep-on-giving gift includes not only “ethnic” novels and music, but also subscriptions to The New Yorker or Harper’s. Or, for the lower-class (read: hipster) mulatto: dig up obscure but relevant artists like Black Merda.
- Sporting goods. Your active mulatto will appreciate such gifts as a bike helmet, running gear, or a badminton racket. A fit mulatto is a happy mulatto!
MULATTO OF THE MONTH: SOLEDAD O’BRIEN
We almost made Ms. O’Brien the February Mulatto of the Month in honor of Valentine’s Day, since we’re in love with her! When she’s not applying the verbal beat-down to nasty Tea Party fact shunners, she’s using her intellectual prowess to bitch-slap the Rude American White Male Public Figure. Our deepest awe and respect goes to our Afro-Cuban/Australian heroine. Keep throwin’ down for us, Soledad. You’re a true gift!