Happy Thanksgiving from Cinemulatto!

It’s been the case for some time that mulattoes are higher up the social ladder than their black counterparts. Yes, the light-skinneded ones have it all. Well, not all: we’re not as statistically impressive as white people. They still have things like beach chalets and car elevators. Regardless, mulattoes can flaunt some serious, research-based bragging rights. Can’t we?

Yes we can! We’re rich!

In honor of our hallowed place in the Land of the Privileged and in celebration of this year’s Thanksgiving, we won’t settle for showing appreciation for pedestrian things like family, friends, or life. We’re better than that. We’ve earned our place in the upwardly mobile American status quo, and we can be thankful accordingly. In fact, this year, so can you.

15 First World Things To Be Thankful For

  1. Tip calculators.
  2. Cacao has not only made it into pop culture—cacao nibs can be purchased in bulk.
  3. If you ever default on a U-Haul payment, your mid-century modern lamps will go to someone in need.
  4. Crib soother aquariums.
  5. Salvation Army will take anything, and you don’t have to tip the guy who sits there.
  6. Skinny ties never go out of style.
  7. Steroids aren’t just for adult sports teams anymore. Teenagers can use them, too.
  8. There are many online recipes for grilled cheese sandwiches.
  9. Busses will take you directly to work. (They’re called “shuttles” since “bus” isn’t First World enough.)
  10. Rear-vision cameras on cars can be used to make movies.
  11. A whole website is devoted to First World Problems, in meme format.
  12. Memes.
  13. Vegan dryer sheets.
  14. Food trucks for dogs.
  15. Happiness, liberty, and good health. Because they still exist in America.

What are you thankful for?